I intended to spend all day practicing my fan dances. Dancing in public makes me incredibly nervous. I can sing and play instruments with ease, but dancing well requires losing oneself to the music. Losing myself in a room full of people sounds terrible. Just thinking about it makes me want to cancel the appointment, but I know that it is good money.
However, I barely got to practice at all. I had picked out my outfit for the day. I would wear a yellow and orange maple leaf kanzashi, as well as a collar with a chrysanthemum and ginkgo motif. I had set it all out on my bed and gone fishing outside of my cave. But I had hardly caught a single fish before I heard wet footsteps on the rocks beside me.
Before I could even turn to see the intruder, a familiar voice spoke out. "Sai?"
I hate to admit it, but a chill went down my spine. I was full of dread as I turned to face her. "Mother? What are you doing here?"
My mother and father still live together. They have been mates for life. Their home is extremely far from here - off the coast of Svalbard, actually - so a trip of this size and duration is truly incredible.
"Your father and I were just revisiting some favorite vacation spots from our past. With your brother."
A brother? I have a brother? This was truly shocking news to me. But my family and I are so distant. I have not spoken to my father since I was big enough to catch fish for myself, when I immediately left home. My mother and I speak through letters during the holidays, but our relationship is chilly at best. She was never cruel to me, and in fact was somewhat supportive of my decision to become a geisha, but she never once stood up for me when my father was beating me, or when he was calling me ugly names. I think secretly she agreed with him.
"I don't want to hear about it," I tell her, and that is the honest truth. I am glad that my father has the son he has always wanted. Maybe now my mother can stop haunting my life with her fake-pleasant letters, acting as if nothing were wrong.
As a child, my mother and father traveled with me through the seas all over the world. That was how I first fell in love with Japan, after all. Living your entire life in a place as cold and miserable as Svalbard can take its toll on people, so I always assumed that's why we traveled throughout my youth. However, it seems strange to me that after all this time they would choose to return to Japan. I can't help but assume she has some ulterior motive for coming here. She obviously wanted to see me, but why? Did she want to rub the existence of a sibling in my face?
"You would like him," she told me, continuing even though I requested for her to stop, "He is always fighting your father. He has a spirit like yours, Sai. He wants to meet you."
When she said that, it was like being pierced through the heart. I wanted to agree to meet him, for his sake. It made me indescribably happy that this sibling, who my father surely assumed would make up for his first failure of a son, was already defying my father. And he wanted to meet me! I did picture myself with a companion, someone fighting on my side for once.
She must have seen me smiling, for she said, "We can pay you. Whatever they pay you, we will pay you if you would only come to dinner with us just once."
I was brought back to reality with that plea. I had to take a deep breath and calm myself so that my lips would stay in a pleasant smile instead of twisting into a scowl. "You cannot afford me," I responded, and I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it felt to tell her that. To look into the face of the woman who had always thought I would fail and be able to tell her how successful I had been, "You could not even afford the duration of a single meal. If you ever gather enough money, you can contact the office of geisha affairs and they will arrange for us to have dinner together. But until then, I am sorry mother, I will have to decline your request. Have a lovely vacation."
Still hungry, I turned and left the beach, heading into my cave. I sat inside of it, breathing heavily, trying to contain my pain and anger. I was certain she would follow me. But she never did.
Part of me wants to cancel my plans tonight. I want to spend time alone, thinking about what just happened to me. However, I know that going to this party will help set me back on track and clear my mind. As much as I feel like being antisocial tonight, I know that the atmosphere is exactly what I need.
So I suppose I will go and get ready now. I just wanted to write this down and get my feelings out. You must understand how jarring this is for me. It is something that will have to be filed away in my brain later, when I don't have to work.